Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr Holmes and Mr. Baer:
My husband wants to have sex every day and if I complain he won’t discuss it. He just says it’s because he desires me.
Once, he even forced me to have sex. It makes me sad and turns me off.
What can I do?
– Alma
Dear Alma,
Many societies these days embrace multiple views of marriage, among which are typically somewhere on the spectrum between the traditional patriarchal (husband breadwinner and decision taker, wife homemaker and mother) and the more liberal/modern (both spouses working, sharing to varying degrees the household and parental duties, discussing relationship issues as equals).
In the sexual context, the former equates to the wife being duty bound to accommodate her husband when required while the latter sees the relationship as one of equals and thus mutuality rules.
Alma, your husband clearly espouses the simple caveman approach — I want, I take, no discussion. The suggestion that he desires you so much that he cannot resist is designed to flatter you and conceal his wish to control the narrative, eliminating your right to any sort of autonomy.
You have a more nuanced view however in which both parties have a say and reach a decision which respects both points of view.
So how to proceed? Alma, you need to decide whether or not this is an issue that requires resolution if your marriage is to continue. How important is sex within the overall context of your marriage? Does his intransigence affect other areas of your joint lives? What is your desired outcome and what is in reality achievable, knowing your husband as you do? This will prepare you for a conversation in which you discuss how to reconcile your differences.
If you decide that this is a red line issue, he needs to understand that the status quo is unsustainable, that marriage isn’t just a question of obeying his every sexual whim and that he cannot close down the conversation by simply suggesting you are irresistible.
Men have after all evolved from their primate form, even if they sometimes give cause to doubt it! Best of luck
– JAF Baer
Dear Alma,
Thank you very much for your letter. There are so many ways to respond to the 51 words of your letter and I am happy that Mr Baer chose one of the best ways to do so.
He gave his view vis a vis where your husband (let’s call him Mario) stood on the spectrum of how you and your husband decide on issues like sex. He further put it in the broader context, hinting that his unreasonableness in the sexual arena is usually a symptom of unreasonableness in most if not all other areas where your lives intersect.
In healthy marriages, there are usually many intersecting areas; and both wives and husbands are happy that there are.
Finally, Mr Baer did not give you any false hopes that your problems could be solved especially if Mario is one among those who has not “evolved from their primate form.”
You have a long and arduous journey if you hope to reach the goal of a contented sex life with Mario. Even then, reaching that goal may not be possible with Mario. The fact that he is capable of forcing you to have sex with him proves he does not think your consent vital in your sexual encounters.
No wonder you are sad. I am concerned that your sadness has become a mild clinical depression, shown by how short your letter is. Many letters sharing their sexual frustration with us are long, full of examples showing the reasons for their frustration. When depressed, however, a person is hard pushed to write more than the bare essentials.
I know his behavior also turns you off. The fact that you are turned off is a good sign. It shows that, despite your depression, there is still that fire in you that is capable of anger. It is that anger in you that you should listen to.
What exactly is it that you are angry about? Whether this is anger directed only towards your sex life and/or towards deeper and thus larger events that have threatened to overwhelm you, it is still important to acknowledge the cause/s of your anger.
Acknowledge, though not necessarily act until you are more able to do so. How? One is by being less depressed. Alas, yes. Writing what should happen is far easier than actually doing what should be done.
But you can become less depressed, sooner rather than later. It is understandable that you might be clinically depressed at the moment, many women in similar marriages (where the husband seems unaware that his wife’s needs, including the right to be heard, are as important as his) would be.
I have sometimes suggested our letter writers consider going to a therapist but with you, my dearest Alma, I strongly suggest you do so. Please.
You need someone on your side unequivocally and constantly. Not on 24-hours standby (though that too should be considered at any hint that Mario’s violence extends beyond marital rape), but someone whose voice and support you can carry within until you can do something more.
You need someone who is trained so you are secure that the support you get is not just because you are friends and s/he will be on your side right or wrong. It is because s/he has seen this sort of abuse before and is trained to help. It is because, along with your clinical depression, someone who has worked in VAWC (The Violence Against Women and Children Act of 2004) will be, I my opinion, the most helpful therapist for you.
All the very best, my dearest Alma,
– MG Holmes